I am wondering how a five year old can go from perfect angel to complete evil in under 1 second? Seriously, isn't this something a pms'ing mom should do instead? Bug number 1 was playing great with his cousins, sharing, blah blah,,, In under a second he changed and started being angry, throwing rocks, and talking back in only the infuriating way a five year old can. Of course, we did the usual time out routine, which doesn't work with bug1 or bug2 for that matter. After about 35 minutes or so, of course all in front of his cousins and uncle leave because the behavior is scaring the 3 year old cousin, he turns into my angel again. So this was our conversation about it "bug, why did you get so angry all of a sudden? If you are angry you can't yell and hit people. Instead go in your room and punch your pillow or scream into your couch. What got you so mad?" Okay I thought this was very "mommy of me" what I really wanted to say, okay scream was " what the f*** is wrong with you, you ar acting like a spoiled brat and you are driving me nuts not to mention embarassing me in front of the 'perfect children' . So, bug1's response to my mommy moment... "hey mom, did you smell the fart bug2 just did?" Okay, now I'm wondering if he understands English at all, or do I need to learn this secret language of 5 year old boys. I give up. Hope for the best right? Then I was thinking... does this ever really end with boys/men? The not listening at all to words coming out of my mouth? I teach 13 year old boys all day long. In fact my classes are 95 percent boy. I will spend 30 minutes or so discussing, explaining, diagraming, doing hand stands, and of course the one boy will raise his hand and say "so, what are we doing?" The teacher in me says, " okay student x, you need to listen, I'll be there in a moment to help you out." Again what I really want to say is " what the f*** is wrong with you, you are acting like a spoiled brat and are driving me nuts... Hmm, same thoughts towards bug1 today. But, the upside of my boys at age 5 or 13 is they make me laugh and a good fart joke gets them all at any time.
Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever fall in love again. Of course this isn't the thing that's on my mind all the time, but I do wonder if it will ever happen. I wonder where I would meet a single quality man too. I live in a tiny town, hang around with married moms who have children my age, and work as a teacher with pretty much all females. The thought is daunting. Being on the outside, as a divorced person, can get me down sometimes. Tonight is one of those nights. We had a "big" family dinner and everyone there is married, except for me. It's not a "ooh poor me" thing, it's a "I wish I had someone to go home with too." I miss being a "we", I miss the talking, the connection only shared between me and another person. I can honestly say that I didn't have that with my husband, although I tried. Being in a lonely marriage full of lies is worse than being alone. I just hope I'm destined not to be single for the next 50 years. I do have a plan in case of that though. WHen my kids are grown, I'll retire from teaching and work for a cruise line or something traveling the world. After all, what's an old spinster to do? I guess I'm just bummed tonight. It's weird being the only unmarried person in my family and circle of friends.
Well, the kids are at their dad's this weekend and I just got home from work(the second job). It's weird how the energy in the house feels depleted when they're not here. It's not the noise, the constant questions, or the business, something just feels less. I don't know about other mom's, but I can totally "feel" my kid's energy when they are home. I think my son can pick on it too. Just last week before daddy dearest came to get him he said to me, " dad's almost here I can feel him." A weird comment from a four year old. But, two seconds later daddy dearest pulled up. Although, I miss them when there not here, it's nice knowing I can wake up tomorrow whenever I want, have a hot cup of coffee, and not have to watch the Little Einsteins. I love the two bugs more than life itself, but sometimes sleeping in past 7 is such a luxury.
I went out to dinner with some girlfriends last night and they were complaining about their husbands. How it's so hard to do it all, while their husbands seem to not do enough. I feel like such an outsider during these types of conversations because I remember that, the husband. But I look at them and want to say, you should feel lucky you have someone to share it with, you have someone to talk to after the kids are in bed, you have someone to watch the kids while you run to Shaw's in the pouring rain(instead of dragging 2 kids with you). Being a single mom is the hardest thing I have ever done. Thank God though, I get to snuggle those two bugs every night before they fall asleep, I get to hold them when they cry, I get to belly laugh at their actions, I get to revel in their innocence. I love them, but they are tiring. So goes motherhood, I guess.
Okay, I know my blogspot is a tad boring, okay there's nothing. I really have no clue how to download photos or anything. I'm sure someday soon I'll figure it out. I just like the idea of being able to write freely and kind of have an outlet for anything I want to say. Pretty great, actually.
So, a little about me. I'm a recent single mom of a 5 year old boy and a two year old girl. I know it's such a cliche, but they really are my heart and soul. WIthout my two little bugs who knows where I would be after the year and a half we have had. Actually, I'd probably be sitting on a tropical island somewhere.
So often when I meet new people they want to know how I could possibly be divorced at only 32 and with two young children..."how selfish" is the rumbling behind my back. However, anyone that knows the story behind it, thinks differenty. Of course, I won't get into the horrid details right now. Let's just say my ex husband led a double life. On the surface he was an amazing dad and good husband. However, he has a whole other side to him too that I didn't know about. When I did find out (through an arrest and a little digging) our family was shattered. I'll never forget the night when it happened. Do you have ever have those moments in your life that you know as it's happening that you will never come out the other side the same? I remember hugging my babies as they slept, tears fell because I knew that this was the instant that they were changed, that their future would not be what it was supposed to be. Today, a year and a half later it still breaks me. I just don't know how to fix the broken heart of a 5 year old boy. Thankfully, my daughter was only 9 months when everything happened, she didn't have to go through the grief and heartbreak that my son experienced and still does sometimes. When I think back to the past year, I wonder how we made it. I know understand the meaning of "dark days." I was left with two babies, no money (i was a stay at home mom) and having to pull it all together for my children.
As I look back at that experience I realize that I've come out the other side different, but better. I am strong, independent, and have a sense of who I am as a woman and a mother. I think so often those things get lost in the craziness of life.
My kids are happy and healthy. Smiles and laughter have now replaced anger and tears and we are enjoying our new family structure. Of course there are days, okay pretty much everyday, that I'm tired and would LOVE someone to help out with dinner, baths, laundry, playing trucks, deterring toddlers climbing up the walls... but as they say "these are the days" and I believe it. I get to laugh everyday and see two little bugs grow into amazing people.
