feeling small

Do you have that one person in your life that makes you feel, well, small?  I do, and for me it's my mother.  I know that's very psychoanalytical or whatever, but it truly is.  Growing up I can remember always being at odds with her.  I was the one that was in trouble, the one that was in time out, the emotional one.  As I grew up, especially my teenage years, whenever she was around me I felt tense, like I had to walk on eggshells.  No matter what I did, how I acted, I couldn't make her happy.  I remember this feeling so well as a teenager.  I was always worried that I was going to be in trouble. I didn't drink, went to school, got good grades and took care of myself.  Yet, despite this she always thought the worst in me.  I remember one time I came home from a friend's house after watching movies and she started yelling at me telling me I was high.  I was grounded for that.  No matter what I said or did, she didn't believe me.  Despite this, all i wanted was for her to respect me, to realize that I was a smart person capable of making normal decisions.  Our relationship was beyond strained in my high school years.  Finally,. my senior year I couldn't take it anymore and I moved out with a friend until high school was over.  When I left, she told me I was not welcome in her house.  It wasn't a huge fight or anything, I just knew that no matter what I was a disappointment to her.  When I graduated high school, she refused to come because she was mad at me.  When I applied for colleges, she did not help at all because she was mad at me.  Finally, when I decided to go to Florida for college and live with my dad, she didn't say goodbye because she was mad at me.  I went to college for four years and she never called, never visited, never had any interest.  I remember one time she came to Florida to visit my grandfather and didn't even call to see if we could meet up for lunch.  Finally, college graduation came, and you guessed it ... she was mad at me. Who knows why, she ended up leaving early.  At least she saw me graduate but didn't stay for the big celebration dinner. 

So, why am I venting about this 10 years later?  Because, she still has the ability to make me feel totally disrespected, guilty, and doubtful of myself.  Sometimes I want to just scream at her and tell her to shut up, of course I won't.  I don't know why, as a 32 year old that I worry if she's mad at me.  It's ridiculous.  She does not respect me as a woman or more importantly as a mother. 

After I got divorced ( a year ago), my ex totally ruined me financially, including putting me in 20,000 of debt.  I was a stay at home mom at the time and had to wait until I could start up a teaching job again...  long story short, I was broke and homeless with 2 kids.  So, I had to move it with my mother.  From the moment I stepped in the doors it's been tense.  SHe is constantly critiziing my parenting, making small sidehanded remarks, stepping over me to disipline my kids, and overall.  She can still make me feel horrible at the age of 32, and I have to keep my mouth shut because I'm in her house.  It kills me emotionally. 

It's taken me a year to pay off the 20,000 my ex put in my name without me knowing and to get back on my feet.  Being a teacher I only bring home 600 a week, which isn't a lot when you have to pay for a car, daycare, etc... Finally, I am able to think about getting out on my own again and i can't wait.  I just wish she would stop judging and be respectful. 

So, there's my vent.  Tonight's a night when I want to just tell her to stop, but once again I can't.  I just hope I don't make my own kids feel this way too.  I'm so worried about that "cycle" you always hear about.  It will be broken this time.